Wednesday, December 21, 2011

i remember

yar, i remember i had one of those kind of monthly pain, and it was sooo excruciating that i can't even get up and walk. I didn't get any help at all but instead a horrible scolding frm who else. I'm a girl, and i suppose she should understand, but nah, all she do was to BLAME IT ON me. always blaming on the food i ate, always blaming on what i don't eat. if she blame me that i lack of exercise, i will still accept it. The thing is, i'm a student, i have just finish my exam, when will i have this kind of memory to eat that medication?

i was so sad that time, i blow up, my body is filled with scars that i hurt myself on it. tonight, i hurt it again. and as time goes by, maybe what i said will come true, i will die because of constant knocking on my head. Maybe my usual giddyness is cause by that, maybe the usual numbness is cause by that. Not food, but the pain i suffer. Nobody care about me that time, i whimper for my father, but all he do was to keep quiet and watch.

its so weird, my post suppose to be not happy, yet i post this smiling picture of me.
I already apologize tonight, but trust me, one day when i get sick, she will drag this thing out again. I try to distract myself and i flip open Christina Perri's song. the tears i flow slowly decreases and i force myself to smile at that song and it works. But she got up and left, probably unsatisfied that i am able to stop crying.
oh boy, if she ever read this blog, dont put too much hope that i will not comide suicide.

Sunscreen. 30ml for a costly splurge.
and then i think back, everybody always had an arguement with their family.
My head hurts now. If i complain to her again, it wil only be another scolding.
I must remind myself that each time i feel giddy, dizzy, uneasy, sick or pain, i must not tell her, it would just worsen it

if  mummy accidentally reads it, i still love you very much

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