Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Depressed

Hello April! It's going to be a month till i finish my internship! A lot will say wahh so fast, but to me is quite slow . I feel like i'm dragging myself every day going to the office trying to put up a different mask than what i usually wear. 

So a few days before i start my internship, i felt really nauseous, weak and no appetite to eat anything at all. I went to do a body screening test to see what's wrong with me and it turn out that i'm low in red blood cell and i have a lot of stomach wind from not eating anything. Thing started improving after i start my internship because it's Chinese New Year man! you should be happy! everyone is happy, food is great. 

But things start to fall apart right after that. Being in a small company where your boss is opposite where you sat, your colleague is closely related to him, and there's only three of them. I meet them everyday, I am a very introvert person, i like to do things alone, and most probably be very glad and grateful if you just leave me alone and let me do whatever stuff you want me to do. 
but i was trained to talk, to present, to reply, to answer, to think, to be challenged as well.
I find this a phobia, because, like i said, i am a very introvert person. 

I don't talk much, i have speech problem, i stammer. 


So this is a challenge. 
And being bullied badly before back in secondary school had lead me to be very self conscious all the time. Like i will REALLY care what you said to me and i will SELF BLAME myself. I will feel like i am not doing a good job, i feel useless, 
and therefore all these negative thoughts clouding over me, 
all these worry-a-lot situation put me into this state whereby i cannot find pleasure in eating or going out anymore. 

Consuming food is a challenge. 
I am literally force feeding myself because i know my body needs food to go on.  it has been weeks since a good dinner. 

One of my course mate talked to me on how she too, cannot get to eat because of stress and fear. 
I totally agree on her statement that FEAR consumes everything. Is not that i am stressing because there is hardly any workload given but i am stressing to be a different person everyday. I am IN FEAR of what they think of me and judge me for my incapability. 

this is a learning process. I KNOW, you don't have to tell me, you don't have to remind me, all these things i know very well. 
But can someone control how they feel. How many times i had blocked it but ended up feeling overwhelm and felt like throwing up after that. 
The panic attack is real. 
Not to mention, i had panic disorder a few years back and i DO NOT want it to come back again. 

Sometime i really hope for someone to help me. 
I need help.
i need professional help that can hear me out instead of my boyfriend constantly telling me "don't get depression, is not good, be healthy, you have a business to run after that."
Like as if people who get depression ask for it?!
nobody ask to get depression. 

NOBODY.

I know i am very much lucky as compared to my other coursemates where they are reprimanded for every single thing they do. Whereby they have to work 6 days a week and long working hours as well. I am so so lucky as compared to them. 
and then i realise, maybe i am the only intern in my company. it feels a bit better when someone is going through the same process as you in one company. I think i enjoyed a little during pre-production week where there are a few freelancers coming in and they were a few years older than me where i can chat and make friends with them. there wasn't any "hierarchy" between us and it feels so much at ease. 
now, is , just, me

This is the longest period in my life, there are so many time i wish i can runaway and focus entirely on my shop business but i know i can't. I need that DEGREE. 
 i am wishing that it will end soon. 


xoxo
Ann
ps: 30 days left










2 comments:

  1. Hey, you must be very tired. Please, take some rest, watch your favourite movies, eat great food, talk to people you trust or write something about your anxiety.
    Maybe it will not help you that much, but I want you to feel good.
    I know it's hard, but I hope you'll get well really soon and really hope you can enjoy many things again.

    💛💛💛
    Malisa.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much ! i had ended my internship and was very please! your comment makes my day to see someone still reading my blog after so many months of hiatus

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